When my bubble bursts

Christmas in our hearts. If you’re from the Philippines, once it hits September, it means it’s Christmas time. It has been awhile, though I’ve been very active in IG @chicsassymom , but my post today is just a random post, it’s whatevs, that I would normally save to my journal, yes I journal every so often. Inspired by Gabby Bernstein, I have firm resolve that the Universe has my back. So even though today, I feel anxious, I show up and I’m present. This will be a very different post than what I used to write, I’ve always been an optimist to a fault, but there are days, like today, I just want to say I’m sad, without anyone calling me out and judging me that I shouldn’t be, I should be grateful! I am, of course! I know better! But just for a moment, allow me to say I’m really overwhelmed! I’m sad because my bubble bursts, it’s all happening…yes, the good, but there’s the bad and the ugly. My life (oh my, back read) it’s all about posting and writing shiny objects and events one can ever have in life! Like the photo below. Hmmm.

I went to Cincinnati to visit friends, being with them reminds me of how it feels to have real connections without having to play games. It’s said that you don’t need a lot of friends, you just need a couple as long as it’s real. I agree, but wouldn’t it be nice if you can have a lot of them? It’s a wealth that’s immeasurable. Counting my blessings. Real friendship is unconditional with respect to boundaries, of course 😅, please know that…hard truth be told, the good, the bad and the ugly, it’s okay! I was told before I started my journey to self work and self care, before I had therapy (surprise. Oh yes, I had a therapist, like in an American movie, I’m in America, btw), there was a moment I emotionally dumped to someone and my attention was called. Hard truth, (ouch, my pride) so my tendency, because I didn’t know better, was to be defensive. But I’m learning, work in progress. Yes, we all matter! I occupy space. And so does everyone who’s a living thing unless they act like an inanimate object (it’s a real life conversation I had recently, so please, friends be mindful, being human is nice regardless how complicated life is, life is still beautiful. So keep being a living thing through and through! Hah.), so, before venting, take time to ask what’s going on with their emotional plate, if they can take in more. I am so grateful to have people in my life that I can be vulnerable without fearing the repercussions of being judged, used, attacked and back stabbed. Gosh. What a messed up world we have.

So friends, I wish I can show you how messy my desktop looks like now, but it follows that I’m busy working and creating decks ( I love decks, I used to be a Powerpoint queen, but now loving Canva). But it’s stressing me out. I’m anxious. I made life changing decisions again. I can hardly keep up. One big step (not sure if it’s a good move, but I don’t want to second guess myself), after another, not including planning trip after another. It’s a state of mind, maybe I’m distracting, or maybe it’s a detour that I’m taking, I don’t really know. A friend or two, will always bring me back to earth, to redirect me, when I falter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful, but I’m sad because I can’t still let go the thoughts of questioning myself, remind me again, what am I here for, why I chase American Dreams, it has been years, and I still have to convince myself, needing constant reminder and reinforcement on my whys. That bothers me, by the way. But my life isn’t shiny as it seems, but it’s on me to find moments of joy, to shine, to fly, to be mindful, to show up and to be present. It’s hard, come on, but please, don’t invalidate someone’s feelings and emotions, sincerely to listen not to reply, but to understand. Just here me out, tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I’ll be back to be that smart, ambitious, resilient and kind person. But today, I just don’t feel like running to be the Next America’s Top Model Wife, Mom, Family Member, Best Friend and Employee, I’m having a meltdown, and I’m exhausted! Sure, knowing what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger, so in a moment, I’ll restart. 3, 2,1…I’m determined to see this through love! Aja! Aja! Fighting! Repeat!

P.S. If you’re feeling sad, depressed and overwhelmed, please reach out to family and friends. And prayers do move mountain! You can only keep it bottled up for so long, or seek professional help. I did, and it’s okay! It’s not going to magically solve everything, it’s life, there will always be something, but find comfort that you’re not alone. This happens to the best of us.